I take the word 'final' as it is, a concrete end or rather the last part of anything. Final exams- the end of a semester. Final pages- finishing a book or article. But if everything that is truly final is done, where does the new begin? I've recently discovered that in my life, what I like to call finalism, always means a new start. We are finalizing first semester to begin a fresh second semester. We are finalizing one term in BBYO to break in a new one. We are finalizing something everyday, every moment, in every breath we take. If not, how might we wake up each morning to a different tune. Tomorrow will always be: a new day. Finalism is what's eating me right now. It has me by the neck and is slowly wrapping itself around my very torso. The self gaining creature of pressure to end on a good note and fear of what will happen next is all over me.
And after much contemplation these last few days, I think I know why. It is time for me, and anyone else for that matter, to stop trying to look ahead or feel the doors close swiftly behind each step we take. Rather, we shall take the moment for what it is. I fear finalism. I find it much more comfortable, more enjoyable, to coast through time knowing what is going on. The middle of a semester- classes, teachers, grades, co-curriculars - not much changes. But the end! my gosh the end. A scary sight. But it shouldn't have to be. I think I will try to face my fear. I want to overcome the fear of endings and beginnings. My goal is to let change guide me.
The ol' saying sums it up: everything happens for a reason. Finalism is just g-d's way of letting the new begin. Change is what allows us to learn and experience life to its fullest capacity. As a favorite song of mine states, "If today was your last day, and tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday?" I know I couldn't if all I keep repeating is my fear of finalism. Tomorrow, I am facing my fear.
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